Love Classified

I saw this classified in a website and it made me laugh. I want to share it with you.

This are the dangers that we, men, are exposed to, out there.

Enjoy!

Profile

Emotionally unavailable, morally ambiguous, heavily tranquilized female seeks male. Be willing to dress in a Speedo, play 'cabana boy', and serve me martinis at 10AM. Friends describe me as slovenly, spiteful and cruel; I possess the ability to hold a grudge for years. Poor memory? Not to worry, I'll remember everything you've ever done to hurt me and constantly discuss past transgressions. I'm over my Mary Kay Letourneau phase, and even though the legal bills are staggering, this gold digging vixen wishes to meet a man whose mother's approval is tantamount to taking this relationship to the next phase - matching tattoos. After this important commitment ceremony is witnessed by the entire trailer park, I promise to alienate your family and friends, ruin your credit and throw tantrums in public places.
Still there? Hi. I'm an emotionally mature, financially secure woman who still believes in happy endings. I can be kind to a fault, but have always felt that it's better to take the high road. The things I cherish have no monetary value and are irreplaceable. Although my life is sometimes peppered with friends who seem to have stepped out of a John Irving novel, my 'baggage' (as it were) is light and stylishly matched - the porter is tipped handsomely.

First Date

My perfect first date...a quiet cafe...you arrive a bit hammered and do not realize how loudly you're speaking. I'm just tearfully grateful that you showed up at all and begin to weep. The other patrons glance toward our table, obviously jealous of our mutual respect, chemistry and communication. I glance back through slitted lids and hiss audibly. ;)
In real time..we meet at a casual outdoor bistro, preferable somewhere overlooking the ocean. Conversation flows freely, and neither of us feel the need to 'interview' the other; we're just comfortable in each other's company. Time passes quickly and we find ourselves sitting shoulder to shoulder, feet up on the railing watching the passerby - our hands and lips meet. We smile like goofy kids. Your arm slips around me, hand resting on the back door of my heart.

MY IDEAL RELATIONSHIP

 Some might say you're suspicious and distrustful because of the GPS tracking anklet you bought me, I say it's the finest piece of jewelry I've ever gotten and it shows how much you care. Laughter is overrated. Family and friends are superfluous.

MY PAST RELATIONSHIPS

 Accidents happen, break fluid can evaporate, handguns and Jack Daniels don't mix; perhaps it was the nubile Guatemalan housekeeper who mistakenly put rat poison in the sugar shaker - she didn't speak a word of English, nor could read it, but YOU never cared, did you?
ALWAYS wear gloves, NEVER let insurance policies lapse.

WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR

 Somewhere between George Clooney and Andy Rooney...someone who is clever, warm, funny, affectionate and physically passionate. May he possess the childish exuberance of Gomer Pyle, the integrity of Major Nelson and the business acumen of Darrin Stevens. Someone who values me for who I am, and doesn't sweat the small stuff because the big stuff is so damn good.
I'd like to meet a man who wants to work at creating a warm, caring and supportive fabric from which we will weave a trusting, intimate and lasting relationship. We already know that we're not for everybody, but just may find that we may be for each other.